21 January, 2004
12:37 AM
Put a little trust in me, and I might do the same for youI go home on Thursday night. It's been fun, and all but I'm starting to miss home. I won't be there until Sunday though. Usually I need to be there once a week or I go insane, but I've been reasonably fine here without it. Maybe it's just a case of needing to be away from Helen so quickly?
I'm kind of angry at her at the moment. She and Neil are going to my dad's on Friday night or Saturday morning but I want to stay in the city to go to Melzie's Le Reve. (I found out what that is, it's a purfume 'smelly' party.) To do so though, I was informed I must stay at someone's house.
I understand when I had to stay at Melzie's a couple of years ago for a weekend. I was fourteen, that is a little young. Fair enough. In exactly two weeks and one day, I will be 16. HELLO! I know people who were first left alone when they were 10. To still not be trusted at my age, when I am in a CITY and only a shout away from people is a little irrational and drastic.
I do not understand her reasoning. I've spent almost every day of the past few months home alone in the middle of nowhere, in bushland. David's is a 2 minute or so sprint across paddocks, where I'd break my legs if I tried it in the dark. She claims that it's more dangerous in the city and only a few weeks ago a woman was murdered in Boronia, a suburb not too far from her.
On my road at home right next door is a stalker. Bruce stays up all night and creeps around his property with a rifle. Two houses down, on the other side of David is a guy who owns several guns and uses them constantly. Across the road from him is Sean, psycho and owner of 6 illegal guns. One of which is a machine gun. Behind me and across a paddock is Tony, a drunk with a temper. Yet she has no qualms about letting me stay there overnight. Does no one else see the problems with this?
I am trusted enough to fly four hours to visit a guy I met online, travel 8 hours in a bus to Canberra to meet Victoria where I don't even know anyone here I could visit had she turned out to be psycho. Hell, I'm even allowed to catch a train for two or three hours alone each week and end up at a station 2 kilometers from town. What if something was to go wrong there?
I am constantly permitted to do these substantially more dangerous things, yet she doesn't allow me to get any more peircings or stay alone at her house for ONE night.
I am nearly 16. If she doesn't trust me now, I doubt she ever will. Actually, I already do doubt that so nevermind. It seems everytime she lets me get away with something and losens her leash, she pulls it back tighter than ever before on something so rediculous it's laughable.
Example-Every time I say I want my hair cut, she touches it and says she likes it the way it is despite it having that many split ends it isn't funny. She ends up saying it's my choice but honestly, after looking at me the way she does, how can I go through with it? ARGH! I hate her guilt trips, and I let them work too.
I'll e-mail her parts of this after I'm done and let her know how I feel. I tried discussing the topic with her when she was online but she told me she wasn't going to fight. The one time I WANT to discuss something calmly and had no intention to cause an argument and she doesn't want to hear me out.
I'm almost an adult, technically a woman and growing up. If she keeps me tied up so tightly forever, eventually I'm going to break away and what's left of our friendship will be torn to shreds. As much as I can detest her at times, I do appreciate she is my mother and I am lucky to have her.
I yearn for home, but not what awaits me upon my arrival.
Deb
sucker/love
